Wow, I am Chewing With my Mouth Open

Or at least I was. I have chewed up a bit and wiped my chin clean.

I was going to school full time, I totally thought I could do it. I have a friend that is going full time, along with juggling various other activities and a kid...she made it look so easy! Well, let me tell ya', it wasn't so easy and I had to drop some classes. Okay, let me rephrase that last sentence, I dropped all three online classes I was taking. First off, I am not an online type of student. I need a teacher in my face, I need the accountability right there. So with a ton of wasted money and added stress, I am only in math class. I haven't talked to my advisor yet about changing my major. I am not even sure I would qualify to do the nursing program with having RA.

Rheumatoid Arthritis. RA. Life Drainer. The Fat Butt Bug. Pure Frustration.

I don't normally like to talk so much about the RA stuffin's with everyone, only those special few get to hear me complain and whine about how it makes me feel. Truth is, I know there are other people with the same disease that have it a hundred times worse than I do right now. So, I count my blessings that I am able to work, move and still take care of myself & my family, and I still occasionally get out to enjoy my life. It does get frustrating, very frustrating...days I don't want to move when I know that it's the best thing to do. To be honest, other bloggers and support groups aren't very positive. It's very disheartening to go to a support group only to hear everyone complaining about the same things we all are going through and their doctors, who are only human. People aren't looking for the silver lining in this illness. I know what mine is; it's to teach me how to slow down and enjoy my family and my life, To take better care of myself, to teach me patience and virtue, it's given me thought and perspective. Manners. If anyone knows a positive RA blogger, I would love to hear about them.

Alright, nuff said...chew, chew, swallow.

Decision Makin' Time

Today I am tired, like really tired. I don't hurt and I'm not too sore...just tired. I know this is a pretty crappy way to start off BUT it leads into why I have to make a decision.

I work the 3rd shift in a bakery, makin' donuts from scratch. Sometimes I have to do other baking as well, like baking muffins, danish, and breads. It is an easy job and I get paid very well for what I do; but I work the 3rd shift, and I have done this for the past 5 years.

I know people are gonna say "big deal", but I also have 2 children. And, until this year they hadn't been in school for a full day. I refused to put them in daycare programs, mostly out of selfish reasons of wanting to raise my own children. I mean people can function on 4 hours of sleep a day right?!? Martha Stewart is rumored to only sleep for 4 hours a night, I could do it.

Boy was I WRONG! After years of sleep deprivation I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and high blood pressure. Fun stuff, especially at 29. I'm not complaining, the diagnosis was just a shock at my age (although I am in the range of typical onset). I believe that my 'I can do it all" attitude brought it on faster than it would have had I been a little more relaxed about life.

So this brings me to my decision, my decision to go part time at work. I really don't want to chance losing my health insurance but I really can't keep doing it all. I need to slow down, a little. I want to be able to enjoy my family, my life and everything else....like the lavender out front or the cobwebs in the corner.

I just put my kids on the bus off to school, both of them all day at school now. My son forgot his lunch, I have to drive it to his school now, it's a 20 min drive one way. And, again I am not complaining but I also have class this afternoon and I have been awake since 7pm last night. I am gooing to get maybe a 2 hour nap before class, then after class my kids get home from school. I then have to get dinner together and get ready for work...somethings gotta give right?!? I don't want to have to worry about these small things all the time, like when I am going to fit in sleep (something that is a necessity for most people, it has become an option for me).

So I ask myself, Is it time for me to down-grade to part-time employee?